


"catholic guilt" is the name of our christmas album

by novakid



Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gender-Neutral Venom Symbiote (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-23 08:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novakid/pseuds/novakid
Summary: we want to understand you. but we… "we" as in me, want to do this with us, "us" as in you and me.or.venom tries to understand their first christmas by looking at eddie's.





	"catholic guilt" is the name of our christmas album

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Demerite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demerite/gifts).



> here's my second gift for the symbrock gift exchange! the request was "I'd really like to hear about/see what Eddie thinks of Christmas and the holiday season in general (does he like it, is it stressful for him, does he hate it?) and have him explain it all to Venom."
> 
> so, for context: i am writing movie eddie, of course. but with a LOT of backstory from comic eddie, and dashes of my own interpretation. i am REALLY interested in eddie's shaky faith, his shitty family life, and his depression/anxiety and how it ties into christmas specifically. but i thought it'd be cool do it completely from venom's POV. so... i hope you enjoy it??? might be a little prosy/experimental but that's easier for me to write.
> 
> edit: turns out... i accidentally filled out both of demerite's requests instead of picking just one. i had no idea. oh well! happy holidays!

months after their first meeting, after they save the world, after recovering from a near death experience, venom starts to learn more about their host and his planet first hand.

sifting through memories is easy, but it’s not intimate. not the way venom wants it. there’s something raw and exhilarating about experiencing a new world through their own eyes. maybe that makes them soft. maybe that makes them weak. maybe it’s why they were an outcast on their own planet.

here’s a fact: that doesn’t matter anymore.

here’s another: earth is complicated.

things look different from host to host. venom recalls the hosts they had in the life foundation’s labs. their memories? mostly bleak. but warm. scared. but hopeful. it was worse near the end, but their last life foundation host held fondness for other humans despite the harsh reality she faced. even when things were frightening, she still hoped that everything would turn out okay.

with anne, everything felt big. even when she was physically small, she felt… big. except when she didn’t. but those moments were few and far between. the world was a challenge and it was one that anne would overcome. because if she didn’t, what else would she do?

and eddie…

eddie is different. special, because…

well…

they’ve been together the longest. their bond, physically and emotionally, is the strongest they’ve ever had. venom has never liked a host as much as they like eddie. the way they like eddie. so, maybe eddie feels different from everyone else is because venom’s seen more facets of him.

and if there’s one thing they’ve learned over the past few months, it’s that eddie is complicated.

his highs feel amazing but the lows feel so extreme. he’s confident one day, but the next he’s nervous and anxious and god, he sweats so goddamn much and it isn’t the weather. and so, everything through eddie feels so complicated.

earth is complicated because eddie brock is complicated.

after “venom” and “eddie” became “venom and eddie”, they decided to stop looking through eddie’s memories without permission. but the memories they already peeked at, the ones they saw before they betrayed riot, swim through their mind with no context.

over the course of a few months, venom starts to learn more about their host and his planet first hand.

* * *

venom doesn’t know what christmas is, but the occasion leaves a sickly pit in eddie’s stomach the whole month. that’s peculiar, they think, because the songs on the radio say it’s the happiest season of the year.

eddie turns thirty when he celebrates his first christmas with anne. she thinks it’s novel that his birthday is the day before christmas. she thinks it’d be cute to get him a christmas themed birthday gift. she presents it to him, smiling and eager, excited because it’s been so long since she’s been in a serious relationship and she believes she outdid herself with this gift.

she’s immediately crestfallen when she sees the look on eddie’s face.

“really, you didn’t have to get me anything.” he says, and he’s not mad. not at anne. “i told you i didn’t want anything.”

“but it’s your birthday, eddie.” she’s confused. she’s trying to understand. she wants to dig her hands deep into his heart and hold it, pull all the hurt out. because why, why, why is he upset? he shouldn’t be. she wants to fix him, rearrange his pieces and put him back together.

“i-i know.” he’s frustrated. he wants to be mad, and he wants to yell, and he wants to take his anger out, but not at anne (never at anne). he’s upset with no one but himself, and venom can’t understand why. “this is amazing, sweetie, really, i just don’t like gifts. i told you not to get me gifts.”

it’s hard. eddie is high maintenance. he’s being difficult. he knows he is. he can’t believe he made a big fucking deal out of his girlfriend getting him a gift-- stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

venom pulls themself out from their memory of eddie’s memory. it’s night time and looking out of the window, they can see the lights of san francisco. but they can also see red and green string lights on the windows of other buildings. venom sinks back down into eddie. coils up in the base of his spine. they’re restless and upset, because they’re confused and asking is difficult.

much to venom’s dismay, eddie wakes up when he feels their unease. slowly turning on his other side and pulling the blankets around himself even tighter, eddie groans without opening his eyes. “venom?”

they don’t say anything. hoping eddie falls back asleep. but it’s too late, because he feels venom’s restlessness. he’s tired and groggy, and venom feels the exact feeling eddie felt when anne gave him his birthday present.

and eddie feels _that._ “oh god. what did you do?”

**we didn’t do anything.**

a soft sigh through his nose. he’s too sleepy to argue, so he’s willing to compromise: “tell me and i promise i won’t be mad.”

**how are you sure we did anything?**

“you’re guilty. i can smell it on you.”

**smell?**

“feel. whatever.”

because eddie is clearly all too acquainted with guilt, apparently. venom materializes out of eddie’s body and looms over him. looks at his relaxed face, looking like he’s about to fall back asleep real soon.

**we didn’t want to wake you up.**

“well.” he grumbles and lays on his back, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “i’m awake. tell me what’s up.”

there’s a short pause before venom is able to muster up the courage to ask. **what is christmas?**

“wuh… what?”

**on the radio, on the television, on the streets. everyone is preparing for christmas. what is it?**

eddie pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. obviously irritated. “it’s a holiday. very commercial; just an excuse for big businesses to sell us their products. it’s like valentine’s day. solely hallmark, disguised as a family tradition.”

 

* * *

 

eddie is twenty five when he celebrates his best christmas. he is with his siblings for the first time in what feels like a year. it’s been busy for him, trying to find his place in new york and the journalism scene. it’s hard, but for the first time, he’s able to buy his younger brother a present instead of sticking ten dollars in an envelope and mailing it to mary to give it to dylan.

his visit is a few days late, but that’s because that was the only time mary could convince their father to let dylan spend the day with her.

he doesn’t know that eddie visits them. he doesn’t want eddie seeing dylan.

“but he’s your family. and he deserves to get to see his big brother.” mary says with a kind smile.

eddie loves his sister. he believes, without a shadow of a doubt, that she makes him a better person.

eddie buys dylan a lego set of jurassic world, because he’s really into dinosaurs and all he can talk about is the newest movie that came out. dylan loves it so much, he jumps up and down and does a funny little dance. he hugs eddie so, so tight, and tells him that he’s the best big brother in the whole wide universe.

that would have been enough of a gift, but both mary and dylan have something for him.

two hand made bracelets from the both of them, made of colourful weaving thread and small beads, plastic and wood. the one from mary has browns and blacks, with neutral coloured beads. and dylan’s bracelet, clearly made by a child’s hand, has bright colours and as many glittery beads as he could get away with. with it is a hand signed card by both of them, with a small message: _we love you eddie._

“i know you don’t like gifts.” mary says as she puts a hand on eddie’s shoulder. “but dylan wanted to make you something. he talks about you all the time when he’s with me. he misses you.”

eddie brock, who hasn’t expected to receive a gift in years, shakes his head. “i- no, god, it’s fine.” his heart is melting and his ribs are soft. eddie feels like throwing up. but he’s smiling. “thank you, thank you so much.”

he picks up dylan and presses a kiss to the top of his head, and spins him around. dylan laughs, and he is happy.

that night they all cook together. garlic chicken pasta. and they laugh as they flick flour for their banana bread on each other’s faces. and they dance to something other than christmas music.

eddie doesn’t believe he deserves moments like these. moments that feel like a fairytale. but he’s been trying so hard so he lets himself have this. he lets himself sit by his family and lets them warm him.

 

venom emulates the warmth they feel when they experience this memory. their attention turns to eddie, who is working on his computer. to grab his attention, venom’s slick tendrils crawl down his arm and wrap around his wrist. upon further inspection, venom can see the two bracelets mary and dylan made for eddie among all the others eddie has on. they tighten around him and rumble through eddie’s body.

“what is it?”

**do you have a family?**

“no.” the answer is so immediate, it actually leaves venom dazed with surprise. and then, eddie throws it right back at them, blindsiding them even further. “do you?”

**our species are not the sentimental type. we spawn and leave our progenitor. we are independant from them the moment we are created. no parents, no siblings. not like you humans, who are born of two and develop in a familial unit.**

eddie scoffs and shakes his head. but says nothing more. he continues back to work.

venom is not satisfied.

**there is no way you do not have a family. why are you lying?**

“why are you asking me? don’t you have the power to root around in my head?” eddie pauses and pales a little. “wait, no. don’t do that.”

**see? that is why we are asking.**

eddie’s hands slam down firm and loud on his desk as he runs out of patience. he can’t glare at venom, but the symbiote can still feel the clench in his jaw. “just stop asking! why would you _want_ to know about my family?!”

**why wouldn’t we? is it so hard to believe that we want to know you? that we want to understand you?**

eddie isn’t usually like this. he doesn’t usually yell, or lose his temper. but he bristles when he speaks and venom hates it. “i- hah- understand me? you want to _understand me?_ you’ve been in my brain, you don’t get a more direct line to understanding me than that! i’m not-- i shouldn’t have to tell you--”

**knowing and understanding are two entirely different things, eddie!**

“so what?” eddie stands up. maybe if venom wasn’t inside of him, now would be the time eddie storms out of the room and slams the door. but they are, which leaves eddie angrily pacing to and fro. “maybe you shouldn’t understand me. maybe you won’t like what you learn. maybe, maybe you’ll get abso-fuckin’-lutely sick of me like- like…”

**like anne did?**

it’s a cheap shot, but venom is frustrated. clearly it’s the wrong move, because eddie screams and knocks a few things off of his work desk, sending them clattering to the floor in his rage. “FUCK OFF!”

**don’t be a child.**

“leave me alone.”

**we can’t.**

“i need to be alone.” eddie bites his lower lip raw and wraps his arms around his chest and holds himself. he sits on his bed and curls into himself, trying to make small. trying to disappear. “don’t--”

**eddie.**

“don’t look at me.”

**eddie…**

“i don’t want you to see me like this.”

but they already have.

 

* * *

 

eddie is twenty two during this christmas in new york. he’s cold and he’s starving and his rent is due but he has no money because he can’t hold down a job and he’s wants to go home because he misses his sister and sleeping in a comfortable bed. but he's let down his dad. he's let down god, probably, if he's up there now. he's probably let down his sister, even if she would never say it. he’s far from home and it’s tough to think about how his old house was never really home to begin with. 

so he’s lost and hallow and so, so alone.

venom knows loneliness too.

he’s in a church. soft lights illuminate from behind stained glass and it’s bright, but the warmth feels so far away. he long stopped praying to a god that stopped listening. and he won’t start listening now, because what eddie is planning is unholy and will land him straight in hell like he always knew it was where he’d end up.

and then eddie is thinking about how he’s going to do it. if he waits to long to get a gun, he’s going to end up chickening out of it. he doesn’t want to cause an accident and get other people hurt. he doesn’t have money for drugs and the thought of hanging himself is too brutal for him.

“what do i do, what do i do.” he mumbles into his palms without looking up. speaking to no one but the very god who seemingly abandoned him. he’s hoping for answers but he knows he’s not getting any. "i'm not a good person, but i don't deserve any of this, do i?"

he’s so, so alone.

and he’s so, so scared.

eddie goes back to his apartment and he’s crying harder than he has in a long time, because he’s too much of a coward to go through with it. his hands don’t stop shaking and his voice doesn’t steady, and there’s not enough liquor in the world that could drown him completely.

he doesn’t even want to die. not really.

eddie wants his sister to hold him and he wants his father to accept him and he wants the mother he never met to tell him that everything will be okay, because try as he might, he can’t do it alone. he’s nothing on his own.

he wants to go home but he has no home to go to.

 

memories like these are hard for venom to stomach.

eddie laid himself down and tried to pretend to pass out after their fight. venom knows he was faking it. and eddie knows they know. but avoiding the aftermath of it is easier than having to deal with it.

eddie can’t ignore venom forever, though. and he knows this.

**we have gone through your memories. not all of them. we only recall a few. we want to understand them. to understand you. but we… “we” as in me, want to do this with us, “us” as in you and me. that is why we ask, eddie. we don’t want to find out unless you want us to learn.**

there is silence. it feels less like eddie is ignoring them though, and more like he’s waiting for venom to continue. maybe he’s too nervous to say anything.

**why do you hate your birthday? or christmas? or both?**

there’s more silence as eddie tries to find the words. and the thoughts.

 

* * *

 

venom sees a picture of a man, a girl, and a pregnant woman smiling together.

“they were excited. they were expecting me on christmas. i was supposed to be their christmas gift. that’s what they told everyone.”

they see the father holding the baby. alone, head hung.

“but. i-i don’t know what happened. i came early, and my mom, my mom-- she didn’t make it.”

they see an overworked little girl who grew up way too soon in the wake of her mother’s death.

“and my sister-- she… she says she was too young to get it, too young to understand, that it wasn’t my fault, that she forgives me for it. but i know she hated me for that, i know it.”

they see anniversaries mourning the mother’s death instead of celebrations for her son’s life.

“because it was my fault that her mom was gone. my fault that we couldn’t have a christmas anymore. my fault we were all broken.”

they see a bond that was severed from the beginning, a father and son worlds apart and always at odds.

“and i couldn’t make up for what i took.”

they see a boy. outcast and alone. so, so alone.

“i don’t deserve anything. no gifts, no celebration, _nothing_.”

 

by this time, venom wrapped their way around eddie’s form. enveloping him in a full body hug. holding him the way they know he needs it. tight and secure.

**it wasn’t your fault, eddie.**

“i know.”

**do you?**

“i…” eddie forces a dry laugh and shakes his head. “i don’t know.”

**it wasn’t your fault.**

“i can’t help but to feel it is.”

 **you’re allowed to be happy.**  
“i can’t stand celebrating or accepting gifts knowing i ruined three lives for what i did.”

**for what you did? you mean being born?**

“i’m sorry.”

**for what?**

eddie’s arms wrap around himself again, but in the process, also wrap around venom, who has formed on top of eddie. providing a comforting weight. he curls his body again and hides his face in venom’s darkness, where their chest would be if they were fully formed. “for yelling at you and being an asshole. for ruining your holiday.”

**it’s not mine. it’s ours.**

eddie’s lip quivers and there is nothing stopping big tears from blurring his vision. “i’m sorry.” venom forms proper arms to wrap around eddie. to hold him tight. his eyes are tender when he looks up at them. “i’m so sorry. everything is so fucked, and--”

**you’re allowed to be upset. you’re allowed to be angry. you’re allowed to feel scared. but you’re allowed to be happy too, eddie. you’re allowed to feel loved. we want that for you more than anything else. let us take care of you.**

“v-venom…”

**tell us what you want, eddie.**

eddie looks up at venom, into soft, opalescent eyes. “i want you to keep holding me. i want you to tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

venom tucks his head underneath where their chin would be. threading black claw-like tendrils into his hair. holding him firm.

**you are going to be okay. we are going to be alright. you are safe.**

eddie lets out a shaky sigh of relief.

**you will never have to be alone again. we’re here. you’re home now.**

_“we’re_ home now.”


End file.
